I Lost My Brother That Night
by Jayne Leigh
Summary: Josh tries to help Toby, who struggling with the death of someone he cares about. Please Review!


**Here's a standalone fic, I wrote a while ago. Hopefully you'll like it while I'm working on my next update to one of my other fics. Please review and let me know that you think!! Also, check out the new poll on my profile :)  
**

**Enjoy!!**

**I Lost My Brother That Night**

"Didn't you wear that suit yesterday?"

Toby's head snapped up to see Josh standing in his doorway.

"What are you doing here?"

"Just hanging out." He shrugged, walking fully into the room.

"In my office?" Toby questioned.

"Seems like a good place as any," Josh said, letting himself drop onto the couch. "So..."

"I'm working." Toby turned his attention back to his computer, but there was nothing but a blank word document staring back at him.

"What on?" Josh questioned.

"Nothing." Toby leaned back in his chair, sighing loudly and running a hand over his tired eyes.

"You're working on nothing at 3am?" Josh raised an eyebrow at him.

"What are you here for again?" He glared at him.

"You made Sam leave four hours ago." Josh stated.

Toby's eyes shifted to his Deputy and saw the darkened office through the window. "Yeah."

"You need to go home, Toby," Josh sighed. "Just go home and get some sleep."

"I'm busy." He pulled himself closer to the desk again, his fingers hovering over the keyboard but he couldn't get them to actually press the keys.

"When was the last time you slept?"

"What?"

"You've been wearing the same suit for three days now."

"It's a different suit." He mumbled, his eyes still on the bright white screen.

"Toby, don't do this." Josh leaned his elbows on the tops of his knees and ran both of his hands over his face. "I know you're mad..."

"Can you tell me, you're not mad too?" He raised his voice a little. "Can you honestly tell me you're not so angry that you don't know how to handle this?"

"Of course I'm angry..." Josh claimed. "But... but being on self destruct mode, isn't going to help anyone."

"That's easy for you to say."

"It's really not."

They stared at each other for a few seconds in complete silence and it was Toby who broke it, his eyes dropping down to his desk.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." He let his head fall back against the chair.

Josh stood up and walked over to the window, looking into Sam's office.

"It wasn't meant to be like this, Toby." He whispered.

"No."

"We're...we're so good at this." He turned around, to look at him. "The President, Leo, C.J, Sam, you and I...we're so good at this...We're the best..."

"Yeah..."

"So why is it so hard?" Josh questioned. "Why are we fighting left, right and centre?"

Toby let out a sigh. "Maybe we're not as good as we thought we were."

Josh leaned back against the glass, watching him closely. Toby and him had never really been best friends; they got along fine and whenever they were on the same side, they were unstoppable, but they've never really had the type of relationship where they could open up to one another.

"My sister..." Toby cleared his throat, breaking the silence. "She...she phoned me today."

"Ah..." Josh said, slowly unsure how to reply.

"I haven't talked to her in a while." He admitted. "She wanted to talk about David."

"Your brother?" Josh asked, sitting down on the couch again.

"Yeah...about the mission..." He said quietly, his eyes staring off as he got lost deep in thought. "That...that morning when Sam told me that the shuttle didn't land... I had... I had no idea he was up there."

Josh stayed silent, waiting for him to continue.

"I guess I lost track of them all..." He looked back to Josh. "But when Sam told me...I started to prepare myself for the worst."

"Toby..."

"I made a list of things that I would have do... How much time I'd have to take off..." He let out a small bitter laugh. "I even planned out what I was going to say to my sister-in-law and his kids...but now... I guess..."

Toby stopped and leaned forwards over his desk, burying his head in his hands. "But that night...I lost my brother ...and I wasn't prepare for that...Hearing those words...that he was actually gone...nothing...you can do nothing to prepare for that."

Josh opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out as he fought back against the tears that stung his eyes. He just listened to his friends quiet sobs. He had never seen Toby like this before. Toby was the strong one.

"Sorry...I'm..." He sat up straight, clearing his throat as he reached into his desk draw and pulled out a bottle of scotch. "Want some?"

"No." Josh murmured.

Toby poured himself a generous amount of alcohol and downed it in one before pouring himself another one.

"Toby, I don't know what to say..."

He shook his head a little as he cut in. "It's okay...I'm okay."

Josh looked down at his hands. "You should go home."

"Yeah..." He whispered but didn't move.

"Toby."

He finished his drink and got to his feet. "Yeah."

"Get some sleep, yeah?"

He nodded, reaching for his jacket. "You coming to the thing tomorrow?"

"Sure." Josh shrugged.

"Okay, I'll see you then."

"Yeah..." Josh whispered, sitting sat on the couch as Toby left the office.

_XxXxX_

Toby stared at himself in the mirror; he couldn't believe that the man he was looking at was actually him. He looked tired, he felt tired. He couldn't remember the last time he slept. Not last night or the night before. Maybe the night before that? It wouldn't have been for long. A nightmare would have woken him, sending him straight to his laptop to work on something that he pretended was important.

"Your ties crooked."

He spun around, and saw Josh standing in the doorway.

"How did you get in?" He asked, watching as Josh walked fully into the room.

"You left the door open."

Toby glanced over Josh's shoulder and saw the front door was still wide open.

"Well, did you need something?" Toby turned back to the mirror adjusting his tie.

"I uh...I wanted to make sure you're okay," He said, leaning back against the table, his hands buried deep in his pockets.

"I'm fine." He claimed, before sighing and rubbing his forehead. "Or I will be once this day is over with..."

"All you're going to do is hide in the corner and get drunk."

"It won't make this any easier..."

"Be a man and get over it."

Toby didn't reply, instead he struggled to get his tie straight.

"You're really going to wear that?" Josh asked, breaking the silence.

"What's wrong with it?" Toby turned back to face him.

Josh shrugged. "Not very cheerful."

Toby glared at him. "Yeah because that's always a look I go for..."

"You could throw some colour in, is all I'm saying."

"What are you now? The fashion police?" He rolled his eyes.

"You look like an Undertaker... you know C.J will tease you about that," Josh stated. "But hell, what do I care? I'll get a days worth of free entertainment."

"Can't you go and bug Sam or something?" He glared at him again.

"Nah, this is too much fun." Josh jumped a little so he was sitting on the table, his legs swinging back and forth. "So you really are going to wear that?"

"Josh, I swear to, God..."

"You look like you're going to a funeral."

"Josh!"

"I'm just saying..." He held up his hands and jumped down. "We're going to be late."

Toby looked down at his watch, wishing he were wrong.

"You coming?" He asked.

"Yeah..." Toby sighed, grabbing some papers off the table and following Josh out of the apartment.

"Why aren't we taking a cab?" Josh questioned, after they walked in silence for ten minutes.

"I wanted to go over the speech..." He replied, looking down at the paper in his hand.

"Is that for the President?"

"Yeah, he asked me to write some stuff down and then he was going to add some of his own stuff."

Josh raised an eyebrow. "You'll allow someone to ad lib during one of your speeches?"

"This isn't a normal speech."

"I guess." They continued to walk side by side. "So, what's going to happen today then? We're just going to sit around and listen to people make speeches?"

"Pretty much..." Toby gave a small nod. "We all agreed that this shouldn't be traditional...We didn't think it would be right."

"Good choice." Josh smiled at him.

Toby nodded acknowledgement to the Secret Service agents as they walked through the gates.

"Looks like a big crowd," Josh commented as they came to a stop.

"Yeah..." Toby looked around, spotting C.J and Sam stood with Donna and another woman, he didn't recognise.

"So, you're going to be okay?" He questioned.

Toby turned his attention back to him. "Where you going?"

"I'll be around."

"Josh..."

"You can't do this alone..." Josh told him. "You can't do this on self destruct mode... Just talk to them."

"And say what?" He asked. "They...they don't understand."

"They do," Josh assured him. "More then you think."

"It's not the same..." He half turned and walked away a little before turning back. "They weren't the ones that found..."

"I know..." Josh whispered, when he stopped.

He ran a hand over his head. "I tried, Josh...I honestly tried...I would have done anything... I promise you that... you've got to believe me."

"I do, Toby," Josh insisted. "I know you did all you could but I'm not sure that you believe that."

"I don't know what to do."

"You can't do this alone," Josh whispered, looking over at his other friends. "Talk to them."

Toby followed his eyes, watching as Sam hugged Donna. When he looked back, he was stood alone.

"Josh?" He called, spinning around. "Josh?"

"Toby?"

He turned around and found Andi stood behind him.

"Hi..." He breathed out. "What are you doing here?"

"Are you okay?" She asked concerned. "Who are you looking for?"

"Josh..." He started but then noticed the look he was getting. He rubbed his tired eyes. "Josh...I was looking for Josh."

"Toby..." She started, placing a hand on his arm.

"I know," He whispered. "I just...its been a long couple of days."

"Yeah..." She agreed, squeezing his hand reassuringly. "But you're not alone."

"No?"

"No."

He stepped back away from her. "I couldn't save him."

"Toby..."

"I couldn't save him... I found him and he... he was dying and I couldn't save him."

"I know..." She wrapped her arms around him. "I know."

"I lost my brother." He whispered into her hair. "And he never knew that he was my brother."

"I think he did." Andi pulled back a little but didn't let go of him. "I think he knew because he felt the same about you."

"I should go and see the President..." He went to walk away but she reached out and grabbed his hand.

"They'll understand, Toby." She gestured to the others. "They've lost a brother too."

He squeezed his eyes shut and tightened his grip on her hand.

"Come on..." She whispered, pulling him along as they walked past gravestones.

"Toby, hey..." C.J said softly, greeting him with a hug. "How you doing?"

"I've been better." He answered.

"Toby, this is, Anna," Donna said, tearfully. "Josh's Mom."

Toby swallowed and held out his hand. "Mrs. Lyman...I'm so sorry...Your son was a remarkable man."

She nodded, a few tears falling from her eyes before whispering. "Thank you."

"I think they want to start," Sam informed them. "Maybe we should go and sit down."

Sam and Donna walked with Mrs. Lyman while Toby, Andi and C.J followed behind.

"Where is the President?"

"He's waiting with Leo and Abbey," C.J answered. "They're all pretty cut up...I think they just wanted a minute."

Toby nodded understandingly. "We've lost a brother... and they've lost a son."

C.J didn't need to reply; instead she reached down and grabbed his hand tightly.

**The End**

**Please review and let me know what you think!!**


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